Christmas is for Lawyers

I spent the day with my peeps decorating five large kids’ rooms and a giant hallway for Christmas at church. In one of the rooms I set up a pre-lit nine foot tall Christmas tree. First of all, the tree smelled oddly like Pirates of the Caribbean. Really. As I was assembling the three easy parts I noticed several large white stickers on the light wires. Then I noticed more, and more. I decided to count these obnoxious warning labels and reached a total of 64. One cluster of tags numbered 20. See the photo.

This is easily the most warning labels I have ever found on any one item, ever. Apparently, pre-lit Christmas trees are some of the most dangerous manufactured items known to humankind. I’ve sat under an x-ray machine, an MRI, and a CAT scan machine. I’ve never seen a warning label and those things use radiation and giant magnets. My car only has a couple warning labels. The fan on my desk with sharp whizzing blades has only one. The farm tractors, hay balers, Kitchen Aid blender, food processor, and giant mixer I own only have one. The set of Wusthoff kitchen knives I own have none.

Obviously, the warning labels were written by the lawyers of the pre-lit Christmas tree company because of lawsuits they were trying to avoid or because of added fees they were trying to charge. So, why all the warning labels on this nine foot pre-lit Christmas tree? I decided to take a look. Here’s what some of the labels said:

“Using this nine foot pre-lit Christmas tree as toilet paper will result in a giant rash.”

“Do not place this nine foot pre-lit Christmas tree into your inner ear canal.”

“Do not put your tongue into any electrical socket on this nine foot pre-lit Christmas tree or it will cook you.”

“Using this nine foot pre-lit Christmas tree to celebrate Christmas may lead others to believe you are celebrating a religious holiday. If you receive any government money of any kind and celebrate something religious, you may lose your citizenship.”

“This nine foot pre-lit Christmas tree cannot possibly replace the nostalgic value of cutting and killing your own wild tree. Please understand that this one smells like Pirates of the Caribbean which may constitute copy write infringement if you make that inference without expressed written permission.”

“Watering this nine foot pre-lit Christmas tree may result in electric shock.”

"Using evergreen scented Glade in the vicinity of this tree will reinforce to your guests that this tree is a nine foot tall fake."

“There is the risk of someone asking you, ‘Is this nine foot pre-lit Christmas tree a fake? And why does it have 64 warning labels?’ which may lead to shame and embarrassment.”

What kind of a litigious world do we live in where the simple act of putting up a Christmas tree constitutes 64 warning labels? Are they really that dangerous? Didn’t they used to put real candles on Christmas trees? And didn’t those used to be made out of wood? We’re scared of Christmas trees but are fine with coaxing a fat man in a red suit to wander our house while we’re sleeping once a year. We’re even more fine with telling our small children that he’s real, he knows what your doing, and mommy and daddy are fine with letting a stranger into our house in the middle of the night.

You think Christmas trees are dangerous? My folks used to let me wander the woods with a .22 rifle. They let me roam the neighbor farmer’s junkyard filled with broken glass, lockjaw, and rabid skunks. I’d even come back covered in deer ticks. I used to feed beef cattle and chase after bulls. I used to climb a giant silo without safety gear after school to feed ravenously hungry cattle in the winter every day. Lighten up, Christmas tree lawyers.

This year we’ll get a real tree again. They are fun to decorate, and they obviously are not nearly as dangerous as a nine foot pre-lit Christmas tree. They look better, smell better, and no one ever asks, “Is it fake?”