Don't Drink Bath Water

Rick Steves, the God of European travel, says that a day or two in Bath is a must. In fact, he recommends the minute you land in London you should head to Bath to rest and rejuvenate. Really? Skip London to see Bath? Because we love and trust Rick Steves, we listened (even though we forgot his book at home). But as previously mentioned, the shops were all old, the streets were filled with litter, the buildings smelled of pee, and the hobos were drunk and aggressive. The beautiful deep-blue stream running through Bath was muddied by the recent floods. And a big dead tree that floated down stream ruined the perfect picture I was planning on taking. But all this aside, we were going to have fun.

We found a place to park and wandered into town. We watched a few street performers and then found our way to the world-famous Pump Room. That’s the building where the Roman Baths are. Sheri really wanted to have a high tea there but since it was noon we had lunch instead. We were dressed like tourists and the Pump Room was opulent. We didn’t care. We had an amazingly delicious lunch entertained by the soothing sounds of a grand Steinway piano.

A quick note on British food. I am a foodie. I love good food and I love to cook. I know the British have a reputation for bad food. But I have read and heard that this is not entirely true. Thus far on the trip, the food was not as bad as I was prepared for. The meal we had at the Pump Room was of very high caliber but it came with a high price. And some of the pubs we frequented were in nicer areas of London, thus the good food. But the trip was young. And we had a lot more eating to do. But already I noticed the propensity for servers to ask us, “Would you like chips with that?” If you don’t know, chips to the British are big fat French fries to us. And, as you guessed, they serve them with everything. Just keep that in mind as the trip stories progress.

During your meal, you are urged to drink a glass of the famous tonic water. I’ll taste anything so I grabbed the girls and over to the fountain we went. It cost 50 pence ($1) a glass so we got three. The spring is volcanic so the water is very warm. I’m not a fan of drinking warm water but this was Roman Bath tonic water. As I took a giant gulp I could taste the prominent sulfur overtones making my gag reflex hard to contain. It was an instant reaction giving me no time to consider that sudden and violent puking may be socially unacceptable in such a nice establishment. Let the records show this was the closest I have ever come to drinking liquid fart.

You can Google the history of the Roman Bath in Bath (what a coincidence in the name, eh?) but it was discovered when folks a couple hundred years ago wanted to build something. They found a muddy spring, dug it up and found the 2,000-year-old Roman spa under the dirt and rubble. So they built the town hall around it and created their own spa. It brought them instant tourist money.

After our nice meal was over we were entertained outside by a skinny man in a pink tutu on a tall unicycle juggling knives and flames. The girls got mad at me when I said, “I did not come here to shop in places we have in the U.S. I’m going site seeing.” And I did. They shopped and I walked and looked at old stuff. But my search for the old and interesting did not yield much. It seems that they have turned Bath into a giant shopping mall. It was then a terrible realization came over me. What if every old city un Britain was like this? What if all of the ancient cities of the United Kingdom had been turned into a giant mall? There’s noting more than I hate than shopping. And there’s nothing more my wife and daughters love more than shopping. Instantly my soul started to seizure. I felt deceived by the entire country. Great Britain was a larger version of the Mall of America. I would only have to endure this until 2:00 PM. For that was when we would leave.