Coprophagia

I thought we’d learn a new word today, kids. The word is “coprophagia.” It means to eat dung. Many animals do this on a daily basis, on purpose. I frequently watch Nature on public T.V. I remember a show about baby elephants. It seems they get some needed bacteria from their parent’s dookie so they just gobble up the stuff like kettle corn. They do it rather ferociously so it must taste really good.

Our dearly departed basset hound, Humphrey, used to love eating cat poop in the backyard. We always knew a cat had befouled our territory when Humphrey would scurry out into the woodchips. I remember once that I offered him the giblets from a turkey I was making. He blatantly refused to eat those. But he sure did love the cat poop. It probably tasted like chicken.

My first experience with coprophagia was with my good friends Sandy, Barb, Jeff, and Mike at the Minnesota State fair. We decided to take a look at the giant Clydesdale horses. If you’ve never seen one in person, they are absolutely frightening. The tops of their bums are about seven feet high. We never did see their fronts because of the way they were all feeding. Just as we were about to leave, one Clydesdale lifted its tail and pushed out a giant windy. Someone screamed just before the air biscuit left the horse causing me to turn into the fart. The wind was so forceful that our hair moved. The fart also contained nasty chunks of Clydesdale doo-doo. Several chunks of it hit me on the side and one tiny bit of it ended up in my mouth.

My second experience with coprophagia came on a long car trip from Minnesota to Michigan. We were traveling to spend a week with Sheri’s folks in Detroit. As a courtesy, we stopped about 3 hours away and decided to call them to let them know where we were. That was in the days before cell phones so I used something called a pay-telephone. It was a bit noisy from the nearby traffic but I made the call. Something my mother-in-law said made me laugh. So in typical laughing fashion, I chortled and threw my head back. At that very moment, a seagull perched on top of the post holding the aforementioned pay-telephone lifted its tail feathers and dropped a juicy one straight at me.

I never saw it coming. Most of it landed in my gaping mouth. The rest landed on my face and shirt. I immediately dropped the phone and began to spit and heave the contents of my stomach, which were mostly red licorice and dry roasted peanuts, into the nearby weeds. I would imagine that most poop tastes horrible. But seagull leavings are incredibly rancid, thus the puking. Trust me on this one.

I’ve been pooped on several times from passing birds. One hit me while I was walking to the chapel at Lake Beauty. It landed right on my Mickey Mouse watch. The second time was also at Lake Beauty. I was lying on the raft out on the lake. I was face down and a monster bird dropped its load all over my back.

My latest experience with coprophagia happened just last year. I was playing a lawn game called Kubb (Google it) at the home of some good friends, the Nalywaiko’s. Victor created a groomed, regulation Kubb (pronounced koob) court in his backyard. He did a great job. They had just acquired a new puppy. It was a very tiny Bichon Frise. A couple of times the tiny dog hopped across the court. But soon, he was held in the arms of spectators while we continued Kubb game. Kubb involves throwing sticks at sticks. I picked up one of the sticks and did not notice the substance sticking to the end of it. However, I did notice it the moment it was transferred from my hand to my mouth as I itched my lip. I instantly tried spitting out the poop but the taste of Bichon Frise was stuck in my mouth. Katherine immediately came to the rescue with a gallon of Scope from Costco. I must have rinsed my mouth out a dozen times before I was certain the Bichon Frise was no longer a threat to my health.

So, there you have it folks. Three stories of times I ate poop. The word is coprophagia. That’s one from a Clydesdale (the best tasting), one from a seagull (the worst tasting one) and one from a Bichon Frise. Have a great day!