West Patrol

I was a supervisor with student security at Northwestern College, which was hilarious. This gave me access to all the keys on campus, which we put to good pranking use. But I’ll save that for another time. It was a cloudy, moonless night. However this night began no different than any other. There was about 5-6 of us on duty each evening. Most evenings were boring but the occasional “incident” kept things hopping. And the very real fear of being in physical danger made the job all the more exciting.

A guy named Chip Cadillac was sent on the west patrol that evening. This was a route including some trails and the college football field. Occasionally we’d find a hobo or a couple making out in the poison ivy. That night Chip went on patrol alone as was the routine. My roommate, Tony Deach, was also on foot patrol but he was assigned the east patrol. This included the dorms and the student parking lot. I was on duty at the shack. I was the one who stopped cars and restricted evening campus access to students and faculty only.

Tony stopped by the shack to warm up and chat a bit when suddenly; the quiet evening was shattered by a panicked and frantic scream for help on the radio. It was Chip. We could not make out a word he was saying but could tell something was horribly and perhaps violently wrong. I called him back and told him we could not understand him and to slow down and stop screaming. He tried his best but his panic was overriding our need for clear communication. We didn’t know where he was or how to help our friend.

We could only make out a few words and phrases.
“Chasing me.”
“Child”
“It’s screaming”
“Help me, please help me”
“Catching me”
And then came the sentence that scared us both. “Running toward the shack.” What horrible thing was chasing Chip? Could he outrun it? What did it do that child and why was a child on the football field at two in the morning? We had only seconds to think. We both left the shelter of the shack and alerted the dispatcher who was already trying to make sense of what was happening.

Then we could hear Chip screaming, “It’s chasing me! O my God it’s chasing me!” And we could hear the bloodcurdling screams of the thing chasing him. It didn’t sound human, and yet it was curiously familiar. It was a scream we’d both heard before but was completely out of context. This only heightened our fear and confusion.

Chip and the thing were now really close. Chip broke through the underbrush far away from the usual path and bolted toward the shack still screaming. Tony and I took out our Mag-Lite, our only defense. Chip quickly ran into the shack, leaving him no escape. He was trapped. It was a tactical error he may regret. But Tony and I were now exposed. The hideous screaming now reached the edge of the wood and whatever it was came bounding through the brush.

It had a human form. It was screaming, hunched over, and was jet-black (whatever color that is, it just sounded dramatic). It came right for us and we raised our Mag-Lite in defense. Just as it reached the light of the shack we realized it was a chimpanzee. It bolted right past us, less than 10 feet away, then ran up the road and disappeared into the oaks doing that monkey scream all the way. We could not believe our eyes. It was really a chimp. We called the police figuring they would not believe what we saw. They sent out a patrol. Chip was just recovering from hyperventilating when the squad car rolled in.

Chip explained that he had seen a dark figure at the edge of the football field. As he approached it the chimp saw him and started screaming and chasing him. He had no idea what it was. He thought it was a demon possessed child or something. He ran as fast as he could but he knew a little demon child was outrunning him. Truly, something evil was at work here.

It was our fault. We didn’t pay much attention to the news as college students. We didn’t have time. And since televisions were not allowed in the rooms, the lounge TV’s been rarely on the news. If we had been more informed we would have known all the latest. The officer told us that the Como Zoo in St. Paul was missing one of their monkeys. Somehow the monkey escaped and had made its way to the neighborhood of Northwestern College. They were trying to catch the monkey but had no success because it was so mobile.

The fear of this wild monkey kept Chip off west patrol for weeks. He refused to go outside at night. The rest of us, however, were very keen to get another look at the wild monkey. A kind woman lured the monkey into her enclosed porch using bananas as bait catching the monkey a few days later. But Chip didn’t know this. Silly Chip. Under the threat of losing his job, Chip was forced outside once again. What good is a security person if they won’t go outside, right? But poor Chip never saw us coming.

It was his first night on west patrol weeks after the monkey chase. We used the second channel on the radio he did not know about to coordinate our plan. We waited until he was in the middle of the field. All at once four of us screamed like monkeys and rushed him. Chip’s brain immediately took control of his faculties. He was now only along for the ride. Chip immediately fell on the ground and started screaming like a little girl. His legs were flailing like he was running. We realized he was crying so we backed off and slunk off in shame back into the dark wood. But our shame and guilt quickly went away. We met Chip back at the shack and told him the monkey had been caught. He was not amused.

Chip resigned two weeks later, citing a need to concentrate on his studies. But we knew better. The thought of another unprovoked monkey attack was too much for Chip’s tattered brain to risk. He longed for a monkey-free life. I can only imagine the counseling sessions Chip had to endure. Hopefully, Chip was able to lure his inner monkey into the enclosed porch of his dreams, never to chase him again.