Rough Place to be a Swede

Here’s a short story. I was a third-grade recess machine. Mrs. Hjemeland dismissed us for some much needed outside time. I was hanging out by the old willow tree with some friends and we were singing some song we’d learned from the radio. For some reason I remember the tune being, “Seasons In The Sun.” But that may have been another year.

I was minding my own business when some girl I didn’t know walked over to me with a brick in her hand. I had never seen this girl before and she completely caught me off guard. She stood three feet away staring at me with that brick. I should have run but I stayed in place. Suddenly, without warning and completely unprovoked, she threw the brick at my face. I quickly ducked but the brick hit me square in the forehead.

Suddenly my legs gave out and I saw those stars I had seen so many times on the Tom and Jerry cartoons. I was passing out. Mrs. Hjemeland saw the whole thing happen and she quickly rushed to my side. I regained consciousness laying on the grass with Mrs. Bauer now nearby. She was standing way too close and I was scared to death I would see up her dress. I rolled away from her but Mrs. Hjemeland rolled me onto my back. I closed my eyes.

I could hear Mrs. Bauer say, “He probably had it coming.” Those were fightin’ words. I started to yell out my innocence when Mrs. Hjemeland quietly explained what had happened from her perspective. It seems that Mrs. Bauer could not forgive me from puking on her dress. Get over it Mrs. Bauer. If the Purple Cow had not made me eat those fish sticks, your dress would have remained unsoiled. http://www.yahyoubetcha.net/2007/04/puke-palooza.html

They picked me up off the ground. Then one kid pointed at me and yelled, “Look!” For some reason I moved my eyes skyward. I could actually see the bump growing out of my brain. Nowadays a helicopter would have landed on the field and taken me to the nearest trauma center. Back then they sent me to the nurse’s office and gave me a bag of ice.

I never did find out who that girl was or why she wasn’t arrested. I think she was paid-off by Mrs. Bauer. I would never again roam the playground safely knowing that at any moment, Mrs. Bauer would give the nod and I’d be belly-up in the weeds. Buffalo Elementary School was a rough place to be a Swede.