Mr. Bubble

If you’ve ever swum in a Minnesota lake in the summer, you know that you often swim through spots that are very cool and very warm. Some of the warm spots get very warm, almost hot. And some of the cool spots are like ice. Before my accident I used to swim every chance I could. Now I don’t float too well and with a lung out of commission on my right side, I tend to list to starboard. But I digress.

I also used to be able to hold my breath and swim underwater for long distances. So during my Lake Beauty days I developed a hobby. I used to swim deep and partially blow out my lungs underneath some camper in the swim area. I’d swim some distance away and then slowly pop up. Although some seconds had gone by, the camper would still be freaking out, talking about the mystery bubbles. I’d get a good giggle.

Then one day, Bob, our program director noticed me doing this and he wanted in on the action. Bob could hold his breath for a long time too, so we joined forces. One of us would blow our tanks and the other would watch the reaction and report on all the funniness. I know what you’re saying, “Scott needs to get another hobby.” Well, at the time it was hilarious and, if you think about it, there’s not much to do when you’re swimming besides frolic about. So you might as well blow some bubbles. Again, I digress.

One day I noticed that Bob was out for a swim. It was a very hot day so most of the 100 campers we had seemed to be in the water. This was going to be fun. I carefully snuck into the water without Bob seeing me. It was a hot day and the shallow water was almost like a hot bath. I’d have to dive deep to find the really cool and soothing water.

I took a huge lung full of air and submerged like a U-Boat. I recognized Bob’s trunks so I swam right under him and blew out everything my lungs could hold. Then, instead of swimming far away I planned to pop up right in front of him, hopefully giving him a start. On my way up I swam through one of those warm spots I told you about. Except this was much warmer than warm, it was almost hot. And it stung my open eyes. That was a first.

Popping up right in front of Bob did give him a bit of a fright. He was expecting me to pop up some distance from him, as was our modus operandi. Then I told him, “Man, I just swam through the warmest warm spot I’ve ever felt. It was almost hot. I expected some kind of verbal reaction like, “Wow Scott, that’s really incredible. Twenty five years from now you should write about it in your blog.” But that was not the reaction I received. He just looked at me with a big, stupid grin. It was at that moment I realized that warm spot was not a limnological* phenomena. That hot spot was man made. Knowing I was the source of the bubbles, Bob decided to greet me with his own warm spring.

This is why I detest swimming in pools. It’s one thing to pee in a spring-fed lake. Eventually the pee will dissipate and no longer pose a gross-out threat. However, no amount of chlorine will ever convince me that it is OK to swim in another’s tinkle. Like mixing chlorine with pee makes the pee OK somehow. Think about it. “Mix one part pee, one part chlorine and one part water. Now, let’s go swimming in it.” No. You go swimming in it. Come on folks. That’s crazy talk. So kids, next time your swimming and take a tinkle, think about me. And enjoy swimming in your own water.

*Limnology is the study of lakes. I know this because in college I took a limnology class. I was lab-partners with a Laotian girl named Loat. So when we took lake samples for study, I got to float in a boat with Loat. Once we saw a goat. We got a good grade, which caused us to gloat. She got really tired of that line.